A Day in My Life

One Sick Mama

2012-01-31T11:13:00.000-08:00

I've had this cold that I just cannot shake for the last five days. Normally, I'm down for a day or two and then I feel better if I get out and do things. Well, we went to the circus Saturday night and I got bad again on Sunday. Then I tried playing some tennis Monday night and I'm down again today.

It's just the standard cold: runny nose, sneezes, sore throat, and cough. But like many busy mamas (heck, any busy person in our modern world, period), I do not have time to be sick. Luckily, Xavier is an expert Netflix and Wii user, so he can occupy himself in my bedridden state :) Plus, he had preschool on Friday and Monday, so that gave me a chance to rest, too.

So this is what I've been trying so that I can get rid of this stinkin' cold...
NyQuil so I can sleep, along with Vaporub and a humidifier so I can breathe. Airborne to boost my immunity. Chicken noodle soup and hot tea to soothe my throat and open my sinuses. But nothing is working! I guess it's just one of those colds you have to be patient with and give yourself the time to recover.

Any other tips on kicking a cold?

Psychic Reading

2012-01-26T15:36:00.000-08:00

I recently had a psychic read my tarot cards. In my whole life I've seen a dozen psychics or so. Some were talented and shocked me at how much they knew about the intimate details of my life. And...others pretty much sucked. As with anything, I'm sure there's a spectrum of talent in the psychic industry.

This psychic was somewhere in the middle, but she started out with two disturbing insights about my life.

One. There's a woman in my life (slightly older than me) who makes it look like we're friends (even around others in our social circles) but she is actually very jealous of me and wants to ruin my life. Wha?! I have no idea who this is, but if you're reading my blog--alakazam and bippity boppity boo--be gone!

Two, she told me that my husband was not my soul mate. And worse than that...he will introduce me to my soul mate in the future and I will leave my sweet, sweet honey for this unknown stranger. Again. Wha?!

"I have to tell you. Good or bad. Do you understand?" the psychic asked me. I nodded but I thought, "That will never happen." She assured me there would be no infidelity on my part or Sudhagar's part, but I'll feel a strong jolt and so will this mystery man and fate will take over.

She rambled on about how I would successfully run a very small business. Huh? And that, "an older man in a--how can I say this?--high up in a tower--will help you succeed in this business."

"Well...I'm a writer...maybe the tall tower could be...a skyscraper? In New York City?" I asked optimistically.

"Writing," she nodded, "that could be the small business."

So maybe I've got an older man in a tall tower who wants to be my agent or editor. Any takers? Or maybe I'm supposed to write something along the lines of Lord of the Rings?

"Back to this soul mate business," I said calmly, while freaking out on the inside. I explained that there can't be anyone else, because Sudhagar is the "best decision I have made in my life," and our relationship is "extremely special and very close."

She shook her head. And then she saw the desperation in my eyes and conceded, "Well, we can work on changing your fate. Meditation and chakra cleansing will help. And you can come back and see me in a month to work on changing directions for your future." She explained that I could possibly avoid meeting this mystery man.

Thank God for chakra cleansing and meditation! Ommmmmm.....[while seated in the lotus position].

I would see another psychic in the future. Probably not this one in particular because some of her other details seemed off. But sometimes psychics can be eerily accurate or make you really rethink something about your deeper self. And, hey, they're always interesting and entertaining.

Joplin Tornado

2012-01-24T16:44:00.000-08:00

I'm new to Joplin. My husband took a new job at TAMKO in October 2011, so we made the move after the May 11th EF5 tornado.

Before he took the job, we drove through Joplin trying to find a place to rent. We went through areas where the tornado hit and my heart sank when I realized we weren't going to be able to find a place with a basement...or a storm shelter. Rental space, in general, was scarce because those who lost their homes had to move somewhere.

But...

Sudhagar wanted a more challenging job with a chance to move into management, so we packed our life into a big Uhaul and relocated.

Two things put my mind at ease about moving here after such a terrible disaster. The realtor assured me that only three tornadoes have touched down in the city of Joplin since the early 70s. When I thought about it...FOUR hit the Saint Louis metro area in 2011 alone. That put things into perspective. Who knows what will happen in the future, but I have an emergency plan and an emergency backpack.

The second and more important factor is the people of Joplin. They are positive, resilient, and welcoming. Many people here have spoken openly about their experiences with the storm. The say they're committed to Joplin because it's such a great place to raise a family.

We've been here for four months and my breath still catches when I drive through the tornado zone. But I love discovering new things about this town, Xavier loves his new preschool (which affords Mommy the time to write--thank you, Lord), and Sudhagar loves his new job.

Blessings for those affected by the storm.

I Have a Dream

2012-01-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

My little man brought home a picture of MLK that he had colored in school on Monday. Martin sported a brown tie, red suit jacket, green hair, and--!--blue skin.

Xavier used to be too busy to color a picture with more than one color. Now he brings home really colorful ones like the one of MLK. Sometimes I think about the way Xavier colors and how anything is possible in his "little world" (love me some Bob Ross). Who cares that MLK didn't have blue skin and green hair?

We have talked about the color of our skin in our transracial family. One night at dinner, Xavier asked my husband, "Ayah? Why is your skin brown?" Sudhagar and I sat agape (hey, I never use that word, but that is what we were). How do you answer that question to a preschooler? Scientifically? I have no idea why skin pigment has different levels of melanin (isn't that what it's called?). Should I answer it politically correctly? Hell no.

"Because God made Ayah that way and he made you with your skin color and me with my skin color." That was what came out. "Not too shabby," I thought. Xavier nodded and finished his macaroni.

Last week I watched The Help and it left me agape (hey, twice in one post). America has come a long way since then and I don't think I'm being Pollyanna-ish in saying so. I'm glad my son lives in this time and we can talk about the color of our skin and the content of our character. And that goes for anyone with green skin or blue hair, too. Face painting and hair dye make that dream possible :)

Have your little ones asked about skin color or has your family had any interesting discussions on race?

Coffee Mugs and Writing Rituals

2012-01-16T11:03:00.000-08:00

Many books on writing will mention the rituals of famous authors. Not sure how much truth there is in Hemingway obsessively sharpening pencils to prepare to write, but hey, whatever works to get yourself into the zone.

For me, I must drink tea or coffee. It's borderline addiction, but I just love wrapping my fingers around a warm mug. Sometimes I'll get stuck with my writing and so I'll just sit back, sip, and think. Pondering difficult questions or dilemmas is one of my favorite parts about writing. It's therapy for me to work out my own inner junk.

Over the weekend I asked my mom (also an avid tea drinker) how to clean my stained mugs. She told me to scrub them with salt. And it works like a charm.

While I was cleaning the mugs, I let my mind go blank. I didn't think about writing or doing laundry or picking up Xavier from school. Being present is incredibly hard to do for my busy mind. What writer doesn't have a million things going on in her head at once? But being absolutely present is the only way to have creative breakthroughs. And peace of mind.

I've been practicing presence more often since reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He suggests simple (though not necessarily easy) practices to incorporate into your day to help you live in the now.

And what I really need more than a cup of coffee is the ability to settle myself. Being present makes my day as a mommy, wife, and writer feel much more satisfying. How do you connect to the present moment? What writing rituals help you get there?

2012 Goals

2012-01-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

Mind

I want to notice negative patterns in my thinking and eliminate or redirect those so that I can stay in a positive space.

As for my writing, I'd really like to find an agent and editor for my book. My plan for accomplishing this is to attend the Missouri Writers' Guild where I hope to pitch to 2-3 agents. And in early 2013 I would love to go to a pitching conference in NYC. The second big writing goal I have is completing a workable draft of the second book in my series. The final goal depends on how the MWG conference pitches go. If the agents there say that my manuscript needs more work, then I plan to do a 5 day small-group seminar with William Bernhardt.

Body

Sudhagar and I will complete P90X which entails working out 1-2 hours a day, 6 days a week for 90 days. We did this last year, starting in February after our vacation to Bali (where we both ate way too much delicious food). Very tough, but the results were definitely worth it.

I also hope to do yoga weekly or biweekly. I have done yoga since 2000 and love how it helps me relax and reconnect with my body. Many times, I notice that I get sick or have neck pain when I've ignored some mental stress that's been wearing on me. If I stay in touch with how my body is feeling and manage my negative thoughts, then I don't tend to get sick.

Spirit

Find a church that has good social activities for our whole family. I was raised Catholic and my husband even wanted to convert to Catholicism (from Hinduism, so it was a big jump) when we got married. We haven't gone to church regularly since Xavier was about two because he's a really active kid who was walking all over the place and getting into the potted plants in the vestibule. (The Catholic Church leadership also disappoints me...but that's a post for another day).

Since moving to Joplin a few months ago, I've found two wonderful moms' groups. The churches that host the moms' groups, sponsor many other family activities. Catholic churches don't really have this. Sudhagar, Xavier, and I are all really social people and a church with free breakfasts every Sunday after services and weekly learning/fun programs may be just what we need. So I'm opening myself up to finding a church that's more fun and social.

What are your hopes for 2012?

2011 Goals: Um, Yeah...

2012-01-06T15:08:00.000-08:00

My 2011 writing goals were as follows:
--Write a kick ass query and synopsis for my first novel
--Get great agent and editor for my first novel
--Finish first draft of second novel
--Finish posting to Mommy And Me Travel.com from 2009 trip
--Write on blog 12 times this year
--Follow more blogs and ask for them to follow me

Well... None of these completely happened, but (silver lining) every one of these goals had progress. Progress is what has kept the people working on the Crazy Horse Monument for decades, so I'll consider the forward trajectory a good thing for my overall goal of having a writing career.

Not to make excuses, but the problem is that life happened amidst all of my writing goals. I got involved with an incredible critique group and ended up revising my first novel instead of writing my second novel. And I did end up writing an acceptable query letter based on what two agents at a summer workshop told me. And! I am getting my groove back for writing on this blog. See :) Here I am writing...right now.

The many upsides of 2011 include:
--Visited family in Australia and Malaysia
--Took a family vacation to Bali
--Attended William Bernhardt's annual writing workshop
--Two agents requested my manuscript (yay, me!)
--Sudhagar took a new job in a new town
--Moved to Joplin, MO
--Sold our house to the first people who looked at it in this horrible market
--I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy while out of town
--Critiqued four novels for the Lit Ladies
--Read a lot of good books and many, many more rag mags
--Learned how to play some Johnny Cash on the guitar
--Played a lot with my son and our friends
--Went on incredible dates with my husband

It feels good that the list of things that did happen is much longer than the goals list. Life is good. Will write about my 2012 goals next...

2012: The Year I Get My Groove Back

2012-01-04T13:07:00.001-08:00

At least on my blog.

Every other area of my life feels pretty good. Love my family. Love being a mom on most days. Right now we're going through a whining phase. (Hate. The. Whining.) Sudhagar took a new job in Joplin, so we're exploring a new corner of our state. Revision of my novel is going in a great direction thanks to my wonderful critique group, The Lit Ladies. And have big plans to start the second book in my New Orleans voodoo priestess superhero series.

So what about my blog? Hmm. Not so much. Originally, I started this blog as a way to train myself to write daily. I loved the self-discipline it gave me in my writing schedule and the daily expression that my soul needs.

But once I really got into focusing on my novel, I felt depleted. No more "stuff" left to say. No more creative energy to generate ideas. And definitely no focus or direction for the blog.

So I want to get back to the roots of this blog. I intended to write about my daily life and pass on stories from my interactions with others on any given day. I love that concept, but I lost touch with it. I also burdened myself with expecting my blog entries to be perfect and exciting.

[Deep breath]. I need to let go and surrender to the realities of what daily life is like as a mommy-writer-wife (and all the other pieces of me). So this year, I hope to write on my blog twice a week about my life. And isn't it funny that I have been planning for weeks to have a fresh start on January 1 only to come down with a stomach flu? That is so my life. So happy new day on January 4, 2012!

How would you like to get a fresh start?

Can a Girl Get a Little Inspiration?

2011-11-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

Is anyone else feeling blog burnout? How do you overcome it? Does this mean I should move on? How do you decide the focus of your blog?

Iced Mocha Recipe

2011-09-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to mochas. I love to get them from St. Louis Bread Co. or Starbucks, but they cost too much. So I just made myself one at home. I poured mine over ice and used cold milk since it's in the 90s today.

http://www.marieclaire.com/celebrity-lifestyle/articles/make-starbucks-mocha

Are You a Mole-y Person?

2011-08-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

I had a boyfriend who asked me that once.

I actually do have a lot of moles. And when I was about 23, I had three "funny looking" ones removed and the dermatologist (don't remember his name) was TERRIBLE. I was very, very, VERY apprehensive and he had absolutely no bedside manner.

At one point during the removal, I could feel pressure and I nervously asked, "What are you doing?" He replied, "My job."

Grrrrr. Really? I was running the possibility of having cancer through my head again and again and you can't try to help me feel reassured?!

Flash forward eight years and a friend's husband passes from melanoma. He was 36. And he only lived for a handful of months after his diagnosis. This sad situation made me take notice of another "funny looking" mole in the middle of my back. I had ignored it since it appeared four years before, because of the nerve-wracking experience above.

So, at the recommendation of my mommy group friends I found a wonderful dermatologist, Dr. Guadalupe Sanchez (St. Peters, MO). She walked me through each stage of: the initial check-up, surgery to have the mole removed, and the follow-up.

During the outpatient surgery, which took about twenty minutes and five stitches, we talked about our families and our favorite Indian restaurants. She asked me about my friend's husband and explained that his situation was rare and severe. To put it in perspective, she told me that in over thirty years of practicing, only two of her patients had passed from melanoma. It made a world of difference to have the doctor chat with me so I didn't agonize over every second of cutting.

Today, my biopsy results came back: benign. And I already made an appointment for my next checkup, because I trust Dr. Sanchez and want to keep on top of my health.

Balsamic and Honey Glazed Pork Chops

2011-08-25T15:33:00.001-07:00

Sudhagar made these pork chops with steamed broccoli and brown rice. Yum!

http://www.livestrong.com/recipes/balsamic-honey-glazed-pork-chops-2/

I'm an Online Fitness Coach Now!

2011-08-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

Loved P90X so much that I decided to work with the company that produces that workout and also the yummy, nutritious Shakeology that I have been drinking this past week and feel energetic WITHOUT caffeine ; )
Share my online business card with your friends and family members who want to get fit.

Throw Some Mud on Yo Face!

2011-07-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

My face has been breaking out! Aren't we supposed to leave zits behind in adolescence??? Apparently not, so I looked into some natural ways to improve my skin. Some natural astringents to try include: tomato juice, lemon juice, or apple cider vinegar.

I have also invested in a jar of vitamin E oil and have been applying it to my forehead. Have noticed lightening of sun damaged spots and a minimizing of pores. Excellent (tap fingers together fiendishly).

In the past, I've used clay from my health food store. This time I bought Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay (aka bentonite or green clay). Love how this feels on my skin and definitely cleared up oily areas on my combination skin and minimized my pores.

In synchronicity with my desire for natural beauty tips, Dr. Oz did a show on beauty secrets from ancient civilizations. Here are two recipes for masks. They feel--and smell--incredible on my skin.

Clay Beauty Mask

Ingredients

1 tbsp green clay

1 1/2 tbsp aloe vera gel

Organic rosewater (about 3 tsp worth)

3 drops essential oil

Directions

Combine all ingredients except for rosewater. Add rosewater 1 tsp at a time until the mixture reaches a paste-like consistency. Paint mask onto face and body. Once it dries, rinse away for smooth, clean skin.
----------------------

Honey Beauty Mask

Ingredients
2 tbsp raw honey
1 tbsp French green clay or rose clay
2 drops lavender or rose otto essential oil (optional)
Water to thin as needed

Directions

Wash face and leave slightly damp. Apply mask all over face, avoiding the eye area. Leave on for 15 minutes. Rinse off with warm water. Gently pat dry.

Media Consumption: Chew on This

2011-07-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't watched the news in two years. That doesn't mean that I don't know what is going on in the world. I just decided that I didn't need to be inundated with how terrible the world is on a daily basis. My news comes through talking with people and Internet searches when I overhear stories I want to know more about.

I also haven't watched or listened to programming which includes advertisements. It is glorious not watching commercials!

How do I do this? For music, I choose to listen to my own CDs and iPod selections in the car. I don't have a fancy stereo, I just bought a cheap little cord that plugs my player into the car. And as for the TV, I have been watching video on demand and using a DVR. When we decided to get rid of cable and just use the local digital channels (which come in very well and has about 20 channels), we switched to Netflix. Away went the DVR, but we have loads of video on demand. And whatever new stuff we want to watch can be ordered via mail (we get about 1-2 discs a week).

And I've been really excited to choose programs that I may not have tried otherwise. Today I'm going to watch Flash of Genius on my mom's recommendation. Last night, I watched The Other Woman which made me cry. And now from the previews of these two movies, I have more unexpected selections in my queue: Dark Matter, Peep Show, and Cracks.

As a result of changing what I feed my brain, I have noticed a marked change in my being. A peace fills me. A lightness and faith bubbles up you are not constantly sold to and told to be afraid of your world. And my mind feels plays creatively, like when I was a kid. Good art. Positivity. It does a brain good.

2011-06-09T06:54:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine sent me an article on transracial adoption. She and her husband are white and they have adopted two black daughters. Since I have a husband who is Indian and a son who is biracial, this friend and I talk about our lives in transracial families.

The article focused on the fact that strangers will approach the family, sometimes, and ask questions to figure you out. For some families, it's offensive because it comes across as rude (which is unacceptable if that's the intention of the question) or intrusive.

Here's my take.

Sudhagar gets asked a lot if he's from India (he's from Malaysia) and he has never been off-put by someone's curiosity. It provides an opening for conversation to occur, so in that way it cannot be negative. People will sometimes ask what race Xavier is and I actually get excited because I get to talk about how Sudhagar and I came together, too. On the flip side, the last time I went to Malaysia, people wanted to take my picture because I was white. That was actually kind of fun for me, and gave me the opportunity to meet people and talk.

The article's author suggests that transracial families move into a diverse community so that the children feel more secure. To me, that idea comes off as superficial, because how will you decide which communities are diverse? Based on how people look on the outside? Any community is diverse because the people in them come from different upbringings and had different experiences.

Sudhagar and I have not sought out Indian groups to join because it's not the main criteria for us. We choose friends who love us. And the biggest thing that you can do for your family is to develop loving relationships regardless of what people look like on the outside.

Click here to read the article.

Bali

2011-05-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

The last place that Elizabeth Gilbert visited in Eat, Pray, Love, Bali is where people smile from the inside out and where the air smells of incense.

The local population is 90% Hindu and they lay out daily offerings in front of stores, homes, and, even, on the beach. The beaches were beautiful and a haven for surfers--mainly Australians (my Australian brother-in-law met my sister here when he came for a surfing trip). We visited the famous Kuta Beach (which was too crowded and the waves too rough for the little ones), Jimbaran Beach (again, the water's too rough for kids), and Nusa Dua Beach which was our favorite because the lagoon is calm and shallow to play in.

I have never been to a place where the spirit is so revered. Daily chores are done from the heart. Little things, like picking fresh flowers and using them to decorate, make the place beautiful and inviting and smell good.

We stayed in a five-bedroom home that featured beautiful, traditional woodcarvings, two outdoor living spaces, a koi pond, and even our own temple. Two local women provided room service and made beautiful meals for us on a daily basis. I have never been served in the home before, but I definitely felt grateful to have had this experience. The women were so gracious and GREAT cooks.

One night, we ate a seafood dinner at Jimbaran Beach. Not a fan of clams, but these were served in the shell with a curried sauce. De-lish. The grilled prawns were huge and all mine because of Sudhagar's allergies.
The best--and longest--day of our trip was an all-day tour which included a little bit of everything (Note: it was a long day for the kids, but well worth it):

Traditional Balinese theater (Barong and Kris dance)
Ubud and neighboring villages to watch artists make silver jewelry, batik fabric, and wood carvings
Countryside drive through rice terraces
Monkey Forest (I recommend NOT feeding the monkeys...watch other people do it instead. And hold onto your belongings, because one stole my son's toy from our backpack.)
Lunch with a view of Mt. Kintamani and Batur lake
Tasting at a coffee, tea, and spice farm
Sebatu holy spring water temple
Bedulu elephant cave

Interestingly enough, I learned that Bali's cultural center, the interior town of Ubud, is home to many arts and craftsmen who make and sell their goods. According to our tour guide, ubud means "medicine," and I find it fitting that a people so connected to spirit, would believe art is medicine.

On our last night there, Sudhagar and I went on a spa date/tour where we got:

Spa treatment for 2 including: foot bath, Balinese traditional massage, body scrub, flower/milk bath, ginger tea drink
Uluwatu Temple tour and Balinese Kecak and Fire Dance at sunset (Note: when locals perform traditional dances, they are blessed by holy men on a daily basis).
Dinner at Jimbaran Beach

I really do believe in the importance of connecting with your spouse on a regular basis. This time of re-centering definitely made us shine from the inside out as so many people asked us if we were on our honeymoon. We have been married for eight years and we actually do feel like newlyweds when we give ourselves this time with each other.

My Half Imaginary-Half Real Home Office

2011-04-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

This space is for me. There is no phone. There are no interruptions.

Bookshelves cover one wall from floor to ceiling; my desk cuts out one spot along the stacks. Kitschy souvenirs make a place for themselves on the shelves as a testament to my world travel and as inspiration to get my mind on the Far Off. Gnostic the Gnome settles in, awaiting his heroic roles. The wooden Thai frog awaits a stroke down his craggy back to make him sing. Worldwide and Missouri authors piled next to, around, and on my workspace. My own books sidle in among the greats.

The three other walls are bare. They are all painted in a bright, warm color…some type of cream on two walls and one wall that changes colors at my whim. I think today it will be green bean. The changing color wall also has a bay window with a window seat in which I can look out to a rolling landscape with a lake directly in front of me. It frees my mind to follow the scene far, far away, across the water and over distant mountaintops. I can warm myself in the sun and open the windows to the “Shhhhhhh” of tree limbs in the wind and the mockingbird’s evening song.

My desk is dark wood with a big black leather comfy chair that rolls around the room when I’m thinking. The desk is full of colorful pens and pencils and pads of paper. Against one cream wall is a comfy couch that I rest on. I kick off my slippers and wrap my robe tightly around me and kick up my feet, putting my arms behind my head. That's right! I wear my robe and slippers at any time of day!

The room is filled with live plants—no fakes. They nearly take over every breathable inch and make it feel like I’m crouching in the rain forest. These plants are brilliant and beaming, exotic and free. They overflow their containers and I water them with a watering can that is bright red paint covered steel with a long flowing spout that licks at the leaves.

My computer is a Mac laptop that has high speed Internet so that I can write and research with ease and the confidence that it will not crash. I Gmail, cuz it rocks.

The file cabinet sits along the final cream wall—by the door. The files contain drafts of published work. I have my “in” and “out” box sitting on top with projects constantly moving to fruition. I enjoy my work and it makes me feel useful and rejuvenated. My family independently operates without me while I’m in that room, then when I do emerge, they love me.

Culinary Adventure: Kopi Luwak

2011-04-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I saw an episode of this on the Travel Channel...and now I have lived it in real life.

While in Bali, the whole fam (myself, husband, son, in-laws, and nephew) took a tour of a coffee and spice plantation and taste-tested a variety of beverages including Ginseng Coffee and Lemongrass Tea which were all delicious and refreshing.

Even this one.

This is kopi luwak, also known as civet coffee (after the Asian Palm Civet pictured on the label), is one of the most expensive and least produced coffees in the world because the process requires said civet to eat and then excrete the coffee first. "A civet eats the berries for their fleshy pulp. In its stomach, proteolytic enzymes seep into the beans, making shorter peptides and more free amino acids." Thank you, Wikipedia.

The beans are cleaned (how gross do you think I am?), roasted, and prepared, resulting in a beverage similar to a Turkish coffee with grounds settling to the bottom of the cup. Unlike other coffee I have tasted (everything from "Rocket Fuel" in college to the White Coffee made in my husband's Malaysian hometown), it gave me the mental clarity of drinking a couple of espressos without the buzz, shaking, stuttering, etc.

I would definitely swig a cup of kopi luwak if ever offered one again.

A Lost Sock

2011-04-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

My son has a pair of multicolored striped socks and they are my favorite. But one got lost in the laundry about two months ago and I thought that the myth of the sock-eating laundry monster was proven true. Then, today, the sock fell out of a T-shirt I had not worn in a while.

I think about how simple it was to retrieve the sock. I didn't really look for it. I just kind of trusted that it would show up. And I let go of worrying about it...it's just a sock after all. Then, it shows up one day.

So I thought about my life goals in terms of that sock. If I could just stop searching so hard, enjoy my life, and stop worrying. Then maybe life would show up as I want it. As simple as that.

Maybe I should not philosophize about a toddler sock, but toddler socks are my reality for at least another year. Then it will be some other mommy problem that can show me some kind of lesson.

After the Earth Moved: A Beautiful Letter from Sendai, Japan

2011-03-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

A letter from Sendai
3/14/2011
Things here in Sendai have been rather surreal. But I am very blessed to have wonderful friends who are helping me a lot. Since my shack is even more worthy of that name, I am now staying at a friend’s home. We share supplies like water, food and a kerosene heater. We sleep lined up in one room, eat by candlelight, share stories. It is warm, friendly, and beautiful.
During the day we help each other clean up the mess in our homes. People sit in their cars, looking at news on their navigation screens, or line up to get drinking water when a source is open. If someone has water running in their home, they put out a sign so people can come to fill up their jugs and buckets.
It’s utterly amazingly that where I am there has been no looting, no pushing in lines. People leave their front door open, as it is safer when an earthquake strikes. People keep saying, “Oh, this is how it used to be in the old days when everyone helped one another.”
Quakes keep coming. Last night they struck about every 15 minutes. Sirens are constant and helicopters pass overhead often.
We got water for a few hours in our homes last night, and now it is for half a day. Electricity came on this afternoon. Gas has not yet come on. But all of this is by area. Some people have these things, others do not. No one has washed for several days. We feel grubby, but there are so much more important concerns than that for us now. I love this peeling away of non-essentials. Living fully on the level of instinct, of intuition, of caring, of what is needed for survival, not just of me, but of the entire group.
There are strange parallel universes happening. Houses a mess in some places, yet then a house with futons or laundry out drying in the sun. People lining up for water and food, and yet a few people out walking their dogs. All happening at the same time.
Other unexpected touches of beauty are first, the silence at night. No cars. No one out on the streets. And the heavens at night are scattered with stars. I usually can see about two, but now the whole sky is filled. The mountains are Sendai are solid and with the crisp air we can see them silhouetted against the sky magnificently.
And the Japanese themselves are so wonderful. I come back to my shack to check on it each day, now to send this e-mail since the electricity is on, and I find food and water left in my entrance way. I have no idea from whom, but it is there. Old men in green hats go from door to door checking to see if everyone is OK. People talk to complete strangers asking if they need help. I see no signs of fear. Resignation, yes, but fear or panic, no.
They tell us we can expect aftershocks, and even other major quakes, for another month or more. And we are getting constant tremors, rolls, shaking, rumbling. I am blessed in that I live in a part of Sendai that is a bit elevated, a bit more solid than other parts. So, so far this area is better off than others. Last night my friend’s husband came in from the country, bringing food and water. Blessed again.
Somehow at this time I realize from direct experience that there is indeed an enormous Cosmic evolutionary step that is occurring all over the world right at this moment. And somehow as I experience the events happening now in Japan, I can feel my heart opening very wide. My brother asked me if I felt so small because of all that is happening. I don’t. Rather, I feel as part of something happening that much larger than myself. This wave of birthing (worldwide) is hard, and yet magnificent.
Thank you again for your care and Love of me.
J. Collins
[as seen on thecarolblog.com]

Australia

2011-03-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

Australia. The continent where Mother Nature plunked down animals and plants found nowhere else on this planet. As I embarked on this journey, my mind excitedly rattled through the animals I wanted to see: koalas, kangaroos, platypus, wallabies. But traveling never serves your expectations to you exactly as you ordered.

Case in point: I found out how exhilarating it is to drive on the opposite side of the road. Once I got in the car, you almost couldn't stop me from driving. I felt so free and fearless zooming through the streets and highways of Inverloch, the Bass Coast, and Melbourne.

Surfing turned out to be an exhilarating adventure, too. We decided to go out on Christmas Eve for a couple of hours and everyone got up at least once. The next day my knees were so sore, because you have to hop on your knees before jumping to your feet. But it was worth it to feel the exhausting splendor of this cool sport.

I also fell in love with Australia's amazing mochas and lattes. The froth is like drinking a cloud and is so texturally pleasing that even Xavier grew to love Bubbaccinos (little shots of warm milk topped with foam, powdered cocoa, and a marshmallow). The foam is probably so good because Australians are not afraid to distribute and use full cream milk. I'm a country girl at heart so I'm not afraid of milk fat.

The wildlife did not behave as I expected either. Maybe it was backwards day because the koalas and kangaroos switched roles while we were there: a koala jumped (check out this video) and the kangaroos slept!

Another unexpected experience was seeing the tiniest penguins in the world come ashore at Philip Island. Appropriately named "little penguins," these little guys stand 13 inches tall and weigh about two pounds. They waddle ashore in small groups at dusk and if they sense danger, they lay flat and let the waves pull them back into the safety of the water. Over the course of an hour, thousands of these birds waddled to their burrows in the hills. We meandered through boardwalks nestled among their homes where babies with hungry, open mouths waited to be fed. Two of the chicks even wrapped their wings around each other in a hug. So cute!

The highlight of the trip--and the reason for going to Australia--was my sister's wedding. Despite being summer there, the weather was cold with temperatures in the sixties for most of our stay. But the day of the wedding turned out perfect. Perfect weather, perfect ceremony, perfect food. Family and friends from the US, Scotland, Wales, England, South Korea, and Australia converged to celebrate this special day with Jon and Miranda. So beautiful.

During my time down under, I found so much more than I was looking for.

Australia (137 photos), by Camille Subramaniam

2011-03-12T09:36:00.001-08:00

I'd like to share my Walgreens Photo Center photos with you. Once you have checked out my photos you can order prints and upload your own photos to share.

2011-03-10T09:24:00.001-08:00

Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

After finishing my manuscript, I am trying to find comparable novels to mention in my pitches to agents and editors. Practical Magic popped into my mind because I loved the movie and had never read the book. Though the movie departs from the book quite a bit, I still loved the novel's character development and plot. Magical realism is so beautiful to me because it gives us a clearer picture of how everyday life can be enchanting. If you need a little dose of that, read this book.

View all my reviews

Two Months Abroad

2011-02-28T12:11:00.000-08:00

My three-year-old and I just got back from two months abroad. He probably racked up enough frequent flyer miles to earn a world record for toddler travel. We went to Australia for my sister's wedding, Malaysia to visit my in-laws and rendezvous with my husband, and Bali for fun. Then back to Australia for one last short visit before heading home to Missouri.

Most people cannot believe that I travel alone with my toddler. But traveling is a passion of mine and he's a good traveler. It's not the only big trip I've taken with him. When he was two, we went to virtually every state West of the Mississippi over the course of two months with my college pal and her four-year-old. Besides an occasional tantrum from a child...or a mom (and don't these happen in daily life at home?) we made it through with our relationships in tact.

It did take some time to ready myself for such a trip. I was faced with the pressures of doing something different and difficult. But it shined a light on the fact that most of my fears were because I was uncertain. Of what daily life would be like without my husband. Of caring for my son on the 24-hour plane ride abroad. Of living in new cultures. All of these fears were for nothing because the plane ride turned out to be very good and the time abroad with my family members was so wonderful.

Since returning to the states, fears about my writing career have started nestling into my brain. Doubts about putting myself out there. Doubts about my ability. Doubts about myself as a person. I am no different than any other person in having these fears. But, with respect to my recent travels, I do know that getting on the plane feels much better than staying on the ground.

Revising My Perspective as a SAHM

2011-02-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my role as a stay at home mom (SAHM) leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And not because I do not love it. I love a clean, comfortable home and, more importantly, I love being available for my family. But that is not all of me. I am a writer, wife, artist, traveler, TV and movie enthusiast, and a slew of other things that get left behind at times because I get too wrapped up in the SAHM job.

So this year my blog will chronicle how I pursue adventure while walking the line of dedicated wife and SAHM.

To start things off, I will include some words from my friend, Brittany, who states that SAHMs can actually adopt a new set of initials, WAHM: Work at Home Mom.

"To be a mom is to be working, and this is as much a stereotype as it is a fact of life. From the ardor of giving birth onward, a mother fulfills daily and hourly physical obligations to her child. If a mom stays at home with her child or children who are aged birth to four years, then she performs all the duties that one would pay a nanny, babysitter or preschool teacher to perform. If a mom stays at home during the hours her child or children are in school, then she is, at minimum, performing the duties of a housekeeper and, more likely, she is also a chauffeur, chef, therapist and personal secretary. The difference between a WAHM and a nanny or housekeeper is that a WAHM is expected to fulfill her role for no compensation other than personal satisfaction and the gratitude of her family."

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

2010-12-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

I find myself on a rainy day in Australia scanning through the want ads, looking for jobs in my hometown and around the US. What am I searching for? I want to find some kind of newness. Some kind of fun and exciting occupation. I know I would like to have more money so I don't have to stress about doing fun things while I have the opportunity to explore Australia. Who knows if I will make it back here. It is very far and very expensive and I would like to have another child.

Or do I? When will the "right" time be?

Xavier is a handful being a normal 3-year-old boy. Most of the time I'm exhausted. But he makes me laugh and entertains me throughout the day, so it's a good trade-off.

Today we went on a Santa Train from Korumburra to Loch and it was a lovely, relaxing ride. Just what I needed. Staring out the window at green pastures with millions of butterflies swirling around our train car as we clickety-clacked to the next station.

I miss my husband. I wish he had a lot more vacation and could come with us. I wish we had the extra $1500 for the airfare.

One day I will feel financially secure and free to have the adventures I dream about every day. And tenacious enough to go forward despite what others say and think.
One day I will feel completely supported by everything in the universe.
One day I will feel comfortable letting my life unfold naturally instead of forcing things.

Today was a good day.

A Possible (Naive?) Future for Families

2010-12-06T00:38:00.000-08:00

A typical day in the life of an American family goes like this. Dad goes off to work. Mom goes off to work. They shuttle the kids off to childcare or school.

Every day, the typical American family literally breaks apart to go to different locations and we wonder why our families are broken?

There's a deep desire that's come into my life recently. I want my husband to work from home. Yes, I want his support in raising our son through the daily struggles and joys that come with childhood. Yes, it would be nice to not live the sometimes lonely and isolated life of a housewife. But it's more than that. I love my husband so much that I want to spend every moment with him.

In the past, families lived and worked together as farmers or craftsmen. Then the Industrial Age hit and we shipped our men off to work at a factory or an office. My dad spent thirty years of his life as an auto worker, doing work he hated at worst and disliked at best. I missed my dad throughout the day and especially when he was working overtime. I don't know my dad very well and now that he's retired, it's strange getting to know him. Why do we deprive our fathers and mothers of a meaningful relationship with their children for the sake of career?

Now that we're in the Computer Age, we are blessed again with the opportunity to work in a new way. We can choose to work from home. We deserve to be around the people we love all day long. What would our lives be like then?

Sufi says...

2010-10-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

The small man

Builds cages for everyone

Knows.

While the sage,

Who has to duck his head

When the moon is low,

Keeps dropping keys all night long

For the

Beautiful

Rowdy

Prisoners.

Glaucoma: I Can See Clearly Now | You and Me Magazine

2010-09-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

My friend just had this story published about the day she was diagnosed with glaucoma. It really makes you stop and appreciate the gift of sight.
Glaucoma: I Can See Clearly Now | You and Me Magazine

Mark Twain says...

2010-08-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

Experience is an author's most valuable asset;
experience is the thing that puts the muscle
and the breath and the warm blood into the
book he writes.

The Bird Seed Bell of Life and Death

2010-03-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, Xavier and I were watching birds eat from our bird seed bell as we enjoyed a leisurely breakfast of Life cereal. Pillee, our cat, also watched the birds and would charge at the sliding glass door ready to catch her own breakfast birdie. Since Pillee does catch birds when outside, Xavier's learning about the circle of life...or, as I now call it, the bird seed bell of life and death.

Mid-bite, Xavier threw his hands over his eyes and held them there.
"What are you doing, buddy?" I asked.
"I can't watch Pillee kill the birds!" Xavier yelled as he kept his eyes covered. So I assured him that she could not get through the sliding glass door and we finished our breakfast watching the cardinals and chickadees eat theirs.

A Joyful Shout-Out

2010-02-18T16:21:00.000-08:00

Part of receiving a joyful life full of love is to be thankful for the love you do have and share it.

As such, I'd like to thank the many writers and friends who have blogs that help me understand the world in a multiplicity of ways.

Rachel started it all for me. Blogging, that is. She's majorly hooked...she writes THREE!!! Sugar, Spice, and More Things Nice highlights healthy recipes mixed in with anecdotes from her life as a woman living with diabetes. White Sugar, Brown Sugar covers her life in a transracial family (Rachel and her husband are the white sugar, their adopted baby is brown sugar). She Dabbles (whew! she does a lot) shows off Rachel's excellent domesticity skills.

Donna's Book Pub provides a great forum for writers to gather and discuss writing. Donna provides so much support for fellow writers by taking care of the Saturday Writers website and letting us know about writing opportunities.

Dianna Graveman got me excited about writing and encouraged me to join Saturday Writers. Since meeting her, I've published a few things and we've collaborated as writing partners.

Jodi makes me laugh and shows off creative ways to have fun with your kids. Sweet family.

Brendan Francis says...

2010-02-12T09:51:00.000-08:00

"What an author likes to write most is his
signature on the back of a check."

Life Goal #5: Financial Independence

2010-02-12T09:34:00.000-08:00

Countless stories of true success tell us, "Do what you love and the money will come." So I'm writing my first novel and I've thrown aside all my past understandings of productivity and "successful" writing and have redefined my success markers. Writing has to be fun and easy; I want to love writing.

When my writing becomes blocked or tension creeps into my shoulders from sitting at a keyboard for too long, I simply stop. If my life's work is not fun and easy, it's not worth it to me anymore. I've also introduced this concept into my daily life and as a result, Xavier, Sudhagar and I spent the morning laughing and giggling, playing and loving. Fun and easy. Not all families with a two-year-old operate like that.

But ease and happiness are hard to come by when the family finances strain to pay the bills. When I was a toddler, my dad was laid off from his job as an autoworker in the recession of the early eighties. In the meantime, my baby sister got a staph infection that was so rare it had to be monitored and treated weekly by specialists at a hospital forty miles away. Even though I don't remember them fighting, I can imagine that my parents did fight (because they still fight about finances). I want to free myself from this cycle and so I'm choosing to have financial independence flow into my life.

Currently, I'm writing my first New York Times bestseller and I'm setting the earnings for my book at $500,000!!! The money that I see in my mind excites me because I see my world opening up in a number of ways. How cool would it be to live debt free at the ripe old age of 30!!! I always wanted to start a scholarship fund. And I'd love to live in different countries for a time to open up my experience to the way others live in this world. I want to eat Italian food in Tuscany and feel how Italians live a life of enjoyment. I want to live in Thailand and let the graciousness and hospitality of the exotic people there wash over me. These experiences would allow me to write about different places and open the world to my readers, too.

Finances pose the biggest block to abundance in my life. Happily, I have wonderful relationships and incredible experiences. My health's good and I love getting to stay home and write and raise my family. But I have never made more than $15,000 a year even by working two or three jobs simultaneously. After a solid year of reflection on the topic, I've come to understand that I've got strongly negative associations with the idea of money. Here's some of them:

I don't deserve it.
No one will like me if I'm rich because nobody likes rich people.
Money corrupts.
I won't be the same person if I have lots of money.

Luckily, I've come to the conclusion that none of these beliefs are true. Money is paper and metal. It's the way you live your life that defines who you are. So I'm choosing to open my life to allow financial independence to flow through.

If you had no financial limits, where would your life take you?

Life Goal #4: Adventure! Adventure! Adventure!

2010-02-09T16:34:00.000-08:00

For me, adventure means travel. I can't get enough of it, whether it be exploring my local zoo, hitting the interstate for a road trip, or venturing into foreign lands. Our whole family is like this and so I thank God that my husband skims internet travel specials with the same fervor I do. I don't have to convince him; he just wants to do it.

I've already set my aspiration for more adventure in motion. Last May, I had a breakdown and ran away (to my parents' house). There, I decided my job as an adjunct instructor just wasn't working and, even worse, it was causing cracks in my relationship with my husband and son. So, I quit the job and decided to hit the road with Xavier, my son. He's two and now he's seen every state West of Missouri except Utah and North Dakota. That's right, we hit the road with Mama Brit, my good friend from college, and her four-year-old daughter, Hedda.

What does traveling do for me? Why do I crave adventure so very much?
It allows me to see the world in a new way every single time I go out of my routine. Going along with that, I can think in new ways because I'm meeting new people and experiencing new things.

Second, it's great fodder for conversations. People love hearing about my trips and I, of course, love talking about it because I'm so passionate about travel. Most people get so excited to hear about our adventures because they can see I'm pursuing my deepest desires. And that reminds me, "Hey! I'm doing it!" And that fires me up even more.

Third, it makes for great writing and creation. In fact, I've dedicated an entire website to traveling with young kids. I'm also well on my way to finishing my first novel, based on a dream I had while visiting New Orleans.

What do I see on the horizon of 2010? We'll head south to New Orleans and Gulf Shores this May. And then we're going down under to Australia for my sister's wedding at the end of the year. She's marrying an Aussie! (Told you we were the traveling type). So I'm raising a toast for all of us adventurers...
May we always want to take the next step no matter how scared or unsure.
May life crack open with the magic of new experiences.
And may we meet each other as we walk through the world.

Life Goal #3: Integrated Life

2010-01-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

I used to slice myself up into pieces, categorizing myself as the writer, the teacher, the wife, the mother. That doesn't serve me anymore. So the next goal in fulfilling my dream life is to accept myself as a whole person who integrates all of the parts of my life into a single, connected existence.

I noticed that all the categorizing increased my stress level. Where does all the stress come from?

Well, I was listening to a geneticist explain how natural selection led the human being of 20,000 years ago to constantly scan the horizon for danger. If a predator attacked, the ancient human's body would kick into fight or flight within three seconds, pumping the body with adrenaline.

Scanning the horizon for danger in today's world, not such a good thing. In fact, our minds are stuck in scanning mode and this equals worry in our daily lives which leads to stress chemicals filling our bodies full time which then leads to our bodies breaking down.

One big problem that caused me stress in the past year was compartmentalizing my life. Yes. I am a mother and a wife and a writer and a thousand other things to a thousand different people. But seeing myself as one with all of God's creation (i.e. the universe, "the force, etc.) will allow me to just be Camille, a woman whose relationships and roles inform each other and unfold within a symbiotic universe.

In the ten years that I've been actively searching for spiritual answers, I've learned about things like meditation and quantum physics (thanks to movies like The Secret and What the Bleep Do We Know). As I learn more about how energy flows through this universe and through me, I know I'll be closer to understanding how to live an integrated life and go with the flow, man.

Life Goal #2: Healthy Body

2010-01-14T11:58:00.000-08:00

My body's always had ails of some kind or another. As a child, I'd stay home from school at least once a month with headaches, stomachaches, upper respiratory infections. But when I met Sudhagar and felt so in love, my body actually felt healthy and energetic. That's just a testament to mind over matter, huh.

Falling in love allowed me to realize how good I could really feel. Of course, I still deeply love Sudhagar, but we're seven years into the marriage and the love is different. It's boring at times. And now we have Xavier who's a symbol of our love and source of love and energy. But I did not transition well into motherhood. Does any mother? It's tough to keep up with a constantly running bundle of energy.

As for my body, it's still not back to pre-baby size. And that's okay, but I'd like to feel stronger and more energetic. So I joined a gym last July with the intent of training for a marathon. Well...

I run 3+ miles 3 times a week and go to yoga twice a week. What a wonderful gift to myself to feel centered and strong. Still planning to run that marathon. And excited to see how my body changes in the process.
---------------------
Neck update: It's getting better with stretching and strengthening exercises at physical therapy. Keep your fingers crossed that I'll eliminate the pain altogether.

Quote found by a lovely friend of mine

2009-12-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?
—Rainer Maria Rilke

Life Goal #1: Healthy Outlook

2009-11-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

I've had moderate to severe neck pain on a weekly basis for several months and I tried everything: heat and cold, exercise and relaxing, posture adjustments and chiropractic adjustments. I even quit my job because many of my teaching responsibilities (like grading and emailing and worrying about whether I'd get work each semester) hurt my neck. Confusingly and frustratingly enough, not one of these things helped me feel long-term relief.

So I ran away. I went on two-month tour of the entire west with my friend and our two little ones. My neck felt pretty good the whole time and then I get back and "Bang!" neck pain's back full force. So I examined what was holding the stress in place and realized that when I came back to my home, I came back to the same old mindset I had before the trip.

My mind was stuck in checklist Hell. I kept reeling through the things I need to do again and again and again and my shoulders raised with the stress and stayed there and my neck started cramping and everything hurt again.

My neck yelled, "What's the point of living like that?! Doing the things on the list may take minutes or seconds?! But you're--literally--spending your entire day running that stupid 'To Do' list through your head over and over. Stop it! Who's gonna care if you don't sweep the floors or run to the grocery store or take a shower or answer your email?! Why chain yourself to a mental list that's a hamster wheel of hor-ror?!" (Mouthy neck, I know).

So I told my neck, "I don't know. You're right. It's no fun. At all."

And then I whittled my mental checklist down to two daily life items:

Enjoy.
Relax.

My neck and shoulder problems have literally forced me to realize that I need a healthy outlook for my best life and for that I'm grateful. I wore my iPod to the grocery store the other day and hummed through the store because I only "have" to relax and enjoy. I'm never doing anything else. For the rest of my life.

Life Plans and Business Plans

2009-10-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

I just watched P.S. I Love You and the main character says, "It's my business to create." That got me thinking about the type of life I've created so far and, in certain ways, it's a monster.

Let me explain the monstrosity. I've gotten two degrees, including a Masters in English which I earned for the sole purpose of pursuing a career teaching at the college level. I got a 4.0 in my course work. Before that I graduated with honors from the world's top journalism school. Before that I made straight A's that you can follow all the way back to kindergarten. But I cannot seem to make money, gain recognition, or reach any other type of success marker...according to the society I live in. And that wears on me.

So when you do the best and are the best for your whole life and then are told that you don't deserve a job doing what you set out to do, what does that say about the people who run the world?

So here are more of my accomplishments which do not receive as much attention in the American culture. I develop my highest me. I connect with others. I enjoy my family. I love. I pursue life with an adventurer's heart.

Climbing the corporate ladder has not worked for me despite dedicating my life toward scholastic and occupational excellence. Not only that, that type of climbing takes the magic out of every day living.

So I'm calling out to anyone who'd like to join me. We need to be magnificent creators of our own existences. I give up a flawless resume filled with cold, hard facts. I give up the life of a perfectionism and ego. I give up a stressful, unrelenting pace.

I imagine a better life for me and I'm encouraging my readers to create a fresh life vision, too. I'll share mine in the following posts.

A Beautiful Meal

2009-08-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

Watching a lot of "The F Word" on BBC America and love Gordon's passion for good, fresh, SIMPLE food. So Sudhagar and I decided to make some for our family. Here we have a Sweet Chili Squid with Bok Choi appetizer and Coconut Salmon with Homemade Mango Salsa. Not only did our family love it, but it got Sudhagar and I creating together in the kitchen. In the words of our wedding song, "L is for the way you look at me. O is your the only one I see. V is very, very extraordinary. E is even more than anyone that I adore. And love is all that I can give to you..." Thanks, Gordon Ramsay, for the inspiration.

Xavier's First Movie

2009-08-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

Xavier settled right into the zombie stare and couch potato stance for his first movie, Night at the Museum. We thought he might like it since it has a monkey and other animals that come to life. But we did not expect he would stay captivated in this exact position for the entire length of the film. And he even remembers what happened in the movie because when he saw an Easter Island statue miniature in our neighbor's yard, Xavier said, "Dum! Dum!" like the statue in the movie. Ha! That's my little observer.

Little Girls and Cutting Hair

2009-08-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

My sister, Celeste, cut her own hair at about age five. She chopped her bangs nearly down to scalp level and I remember the kindergarten school picture that followed. I was reminded of this haircutting incident when my friend, Jodi, wrote about her three year old's "haircut" with a little pair of safety scissors. Here's an excerpt...

Upon entering Amelia's room, it was pretty apparent that sometime during her "nap" she had confiscated a pair of scissors from the office across the hall. And, although they were only kid scissors--safety scissors I even think they are called--some serious damage had been done during this supposed nap time. A treasured book from Jason's childhood had been cut to shreds. One of Amelia's beloved pillowcase dresses had been snipped at the shoulders. A wooden necklace she threaded with her own hands had been dissected into many pieces. And on the floor near her trash can lay several large clumps of hair.

Read more about The Great Hair Massacre of '09.

Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease--Oh My!

2009-07-29T19:03:00.000-07:00

People. This is what the ugly affliction known as hand, foot, and mouth disease looks like. The week Xavier had this was not a pretty week for us. Xavier picked up this virus at school along with three other kids in his class of eight. Highly contagious. He developed about thirty of these sores on his rear end. So they really should call it Hand, Foot, Mouth, and Butt Disease.

Cry, cry. Sniff, sniff.

2009-07-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

My neck hurts and I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun. So. Two reasons to be crying.

What a beautiful story that is and I started crying at the end when the main character's narrating something like,
"What's in a house? What's contained within the four walls? The house provides protection for the dreamer."

1) Actually, the silver lining to my neck pain is I found out what's wrong. Too much time on the laptop is giving me neck and shoulder strain.
2) So I have to get off of here and nurse my neck with the Double Fudge Brownie ice cream that Sudhagar went to the store for. My hero. My favorite ice cream.
3) Plus! I'll be able to give my neck a break because (drum roll please) I've finished designing my website.
4) Florida, here we come!

What good things are in your life?

I'm Going to Run a Marathon Even If It Kills Me

2009-07-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

To prove my mettle, I joined a gym.

Warning! When gyms sign you up as a new member, they throw everything at you: class offerings, equipment tour, personal training services.

My first day at the gym started with a two mile run followed by a one hour yoga class. Apparently the yoga DVDs I've been using are for wussies because that yoga class had me doing so many down dogs I didn't know if I could walk out of there standing upright.

Then (stupid me) I signed up for a free one-hour session with a personal trainer at nine AM the next day.

I don't like running. But I do love achieving goals. And I'm stubborn. I'm going to run a marathon even if it kills me.

My Very Talented Boy

2009-07-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've been ailing the past two weeks; a week of neck pain followed by a week of the flu. So in the midst of sniffling and NyQuil I've been thinking about how Xavier's growing so much.

He's an artist. (I left the room for ten seconds. Seriously).

He's a singer. We love to belt out "Hot dog! Hot dog! Hot diggety-dog!" in the car. For those of you not in the know, that's the theme song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

He's a gentleman. He's mastered "Peas" and "Tanku."

Cue: Angelic Music, Sun Shines Through Parting Clouds

2009-07-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

I baked a homemade pie!

Well. I did have help from a ready-made pie crust. But the inside bit was all me. Fresh blueberries, sugar, cinnamon, and ground ginger. Done.

Ernest Hemingway says...

2009-06-24T10:54:00.001-07:00

"For a long time now I have tried simply to write the best I can. Sometimes I have good luck and write better than I can."

Lost and Trying to Be Found

2009-06-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

So my last post outlined that I'm lost in my life right now, but things are shifting in a new direction.

When SIUE only offered me one class, I became so jaded that I blew up at my husband and son over a failed attempt at homemade donuts.

And then I ran away. Over Memorial Day weekend, I left my family life behind and stayed with my parents to get away and reflect and decide what to do.

I decided to walk away from a job that was not working. This decision to walk away graced me with a clear vision of the disrupted relationships I have with my husband and son and the fractured relationship I have with my Self.

As soon as I made the decision to leave my job, I had an epiphany.

"I should hit the road with Xavier."

Since then, I've been formulating a new life plan that includes:
2 Blogs
1 Vision
0 Things to lose

Xavier and I will embark in late summer and move forward with this inspired idea. I don't know what travel with a toddler will be like, but I do know some things for sure. I will reconnect with my son and my Self. I will learn from my experiences and write in my two blogs. I will gain followers in my travels and grow my readership. I will feel like myself again.

Eckhart Tolle says...

2009-06-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

All the misery on the planet arises due to a personalized sense of "me" or "us". That covers up the essence of who you are. When you are unaware of that inner essence, in the end you always create misery. It`s as simple as that. When you don`t know who you are, you create a mind-made self as a substitute for your beautiful divine being and cling to that fearful and needy self.

Protecting and enhancing that false sense of self then becomes your primary motivating force.

Lost and Losing

2009-06-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

My numbers don't look good right now.
2 Mortgages
1 Strained marriage
0 Jobs for me

I talked my husband into buying a duplex for our first home. It failed as a business, but we said "we learned a lot."

When we moved to the St. Louis area, I thought we'd try it again. That duplex was doing okay until we bought a new house for our growing family and decided to keep the duplex for investment. Now, we've got two empty units in the duplex, two mortgages to cover, and I recently quit my job when the university I teach for only offered me one class for the fall semester.

This is my fourth year working for SIUE and I thought I could at least hope for two classes a semester, maybe three. But it's not working out. And to tell you the truth, I don't know if teaching freshman comp is even for me. After all, I deal with many students who do not even want to be in my classroom. Then I'm so drained during the semester that I lose touch with the people I love and have no energy to write and create. That's not a good feeling.

So, since the birth of my son two years ago, I've been feeling lost. Inadequate as a wife. Inadequate as a mother. Inadequate as a teacher. Inadequate as a writer. Things are just not adding up for me.

One good thing about crashing and burning is that I get to reinvent myself. So check back for a post at the end of the week about how I'm creating a better me and rising from the ashes.

Kids' Pictures and Names and Online Safety

2009-06-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

Hi readers,
I know many of you are bloggers and writers yourselves, so I'd like you to weigh in on a conundrum of mine. I write about my life on a weekly basis and my life includes my interactions with family and friends. So I include their names (first names only) and photos to connect with my readers. The thing about blogging is that blog readers enjoy getting to know you, so if I eliminate names and photos of actual people, then I may end up with a lifeless blog.

What do you all think? Do you think first names are okay? Should I ask permission from friends? Should I post pictures of my son?

Thanks for the input!

"No" Means "No" Means "Yes"

2009-06-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

"Xavier, would you like some ice cream for dessert?"
"No."
My baby has learned the word. Since last night, he answers "no" for everything. The word's even accompanied by the appropriate side-to-side head shake..
Do you want to play with this toy?
No.
Do you want to go down the slide?
No.
Do you want brussel sprouts for lunch?
No.
Some "no's" hit the target and some do not fit. We'll keep working on the vocabulary, but I'm pretty sure I know what he'd have to say about that.

Khalil Gibran also says...

2009-06-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

"Your house is your larger body. It grows in the sun and sleeps in the stillness of the night; and it is not dreamless.

Would that I could gather your houses into my hand, and like a sower scatter thm in forest and meadow.

Would the valleys were your streets and the green paths your alleys, that you might seek one another through vineyards, and come with the fragrance of earth in your garments."

Natalie Goldberg says...

2009-06-10T09:25:00.001-07:00

"Take out another notebook, pick up another pen, and just write,
just write, just write. In the middle of the world, make
one positive step. In the centre of chaos, make one
definitive act.

"Just write. Say yes, stay alive, be awake. Just write.
Just write. Just write."

My Poor Bubby's Sick

2009-06-08T15:54:00.001-07:00

At 3:14 this morning, Little Xavier awoke coughing and crying and gagging. I thought he needed a drink of water. Nope. Switched on his bedroom light and saw last night's dinner smeared in the sheets. Xavier's never had the stomach flu, so I was not prepared for the projectile vomiting every 15 minutes, but got pretty quick at grabbing the trash can and aiming Xavier's poor little head as he repeated, "All done, all done."

A weird thing happened, then, in the middle of being grossed out and wondering what to do, I realized how lucky I am to be Xavier's mother. I know, it sounds weird, and I was completely confused that the emotions of honor and pride in my life work would show themselves at such a messy moment.

I know, now, why I felt it. About two weeks ago I finally mustered the courage to quit my job and commit to staying at home. With the decision came peace and certainty. And when faced with a bout of the stomach flu, I didn't secretly blame Xavier for a sleepless night and the stress of having to work his illness around my job requirements.

Ewww...Cockroaches Crawl Around at The Butterfly House

2009-06-06T14:26:00.001-07:00

In order to understand a bug, you really have to get up close, don't you think? This simultaneously disgusting and delightful exhibit really gives you a new perspective on the cockroach. No longer can I see them as solely a household pest. I learned only 4 species out of 4000 actually cause trouble as unwanted house guests. Cockroaches in general help clean up the planet by digesting decomposed plant matter and animal fecal matter. Yummy!
www.butterflyhouse.org

Butterfly Magic

2009-06-06T14:25:00.001-07:00

The Sophia M. Sachs Butterfly House in St. Louis is a magical place. In the conservatory, you can walk through the tropical vegetation as butterflies float through the air and alight upon flowers and--if you're lucky--you.
www.butterflyhouse.org

Khalil Gibran says...

2009-06-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

"Have you peace, the quiet urge that reveals your power?

Have you remembrances, the glimmering arches that span the summits of the mind?

Have you beauty, that leads the heart from things fashioned of wood and stone to the holy mountain?

Tell me, have you these in your houses?

Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house as a guest, and becomes a host and then a master?"

Be a Wild Thing at Omaha Zoo

2009-06-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

As a St. Louisan, I always had access to an incredible--and free--zoo, but I have to say that Omaha's Henry Doorly Zoo wins the prize for "Most Incredible and Stupendous Zoo."

2009 Zoo Admission Fees

Children (2 and under):	FREE
Children (ages 3 - 11):	$7.75
Adults (ages 12 and over):	$11.50
Seniors (ages 62 and over):	$10.00

Even though admission is pricey, you get what you pay for. Sorry folks, no coupons. And I mean I scoured the internet and tourist information centers. However...if you have a zoo membership elsewhere, bring proof and you could get a reduced "reciprocal zoo" rate.

The Desert Dome feels like you're in an actual desert, so be prepared to sweat. Under the dome, you wind through orange sand dunes and squeeze through Hummingbird Canyon.

My favorite spot is the exhibit underneath the dome, Kingdoms of the Night. You can see an alligator aquarium (see green swimming streaks below), walk through a bat cave where actual bats fly around, and walk the docks of a swamp where beavers do their thing. The alligator feedings are fun to watch if you're into that sort of thing (and I am).

Xavier's favorite thing was riding the train. Weeks later he still talks about the, "Choooooo! Choooo!"

We ended our day at the shark feeding in Scott Aquarium. Being a fan of Jaws, I sang the duh-duh theme song in anticipation, but the actual feeding was pretty anticlimatic as the sharks delicately took the fish from the feeder's spears. Walking through the shark tunnel is an experience like none other as sharks, sea turtles, fish, and rays glide around you and above you.

The gigantic jellyfish cylindrical tank is peaceful to watch and the school of fish below swims around and around like circular lightning.

For more information, visit http://omahazoo.com.

2009-05-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

Xavier and I are cooking up a scheme to hit the road in the late summer into the fall. Stay tuned to read more about our crazy adventures. Thought I would post this button from Southwest Airlines. They are proud to be kid-friendly, boldly going where no other airline has gone before.

Fast Food and Fine Motor Skills

2009-05-28T08:53:00.001-07:00

On our way to St. Joseph, MO, we stopped at the McDonalds in Kingdom City, MO to see the aquarium. Sadly, the aquarium has been replaced with a seating area. I know. I know. It's okay to cry if you need to, because that aquarium was a road trip dream for parents. Your kids could look forward to it and a McDonalds meal on the cross-state trip on Highway 70.

Though Xavier did not get to see the saltwater aquarium, he did learn a new skill. He saw me dipping my fries in ketchup and wanted to give it a try himself. So I gave him his own tiny paper cup of the stuff.

The crowd waits in anticipation as Xavier approaches.
And...
wait for it...
wait for it...

Now he proclaims, "Dip! Dip!" and he wants to dip everything. This morning we dipped donuts in grape jelly. Last night we had French Dips and he delicately, with pinky finger raised, dipped his beef sandwich in au jus.

Finding Universal Truth in a Hotel Breakfast Buffet Line

2009-05-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

That which you seek is also seeking you.

I love it when universal truths (which defy conventional knowledge, scientific method, and tangible proof) are proven by human stories of heart, struggle, and faith.

I am the lucky custodian of one such story which was initially offered to me by a stranger in a hotel breakfast line and was then ceremoniously unwrapped at our conjoining tables over a breakfast of okay coffee and not totally cooked eggs.

The man told me that both he and his wife had met in rehab after both were recovering from horrible accidents. Both sustained major injuries in separate accidents in separate places in separate months, but in the same year: 1984.

She was hit by a garbage truck and she was either walking or riding a bike (I cannot remember which but clearly remember him saying that she was not in a car). She sustained damage to her brain stem which left her in a coma for three and a half months.

He was hit by a drunk driver and incurred brain damage which left him paralyzed on one side for a time. He also lost his eye on that side and sustained multiple broken bones. (He did walk stiffly from the buffet line back to our tables and he did reintroduce himself to our family a few times during our stay at the hotel. But I don't know if that was due to memory loss or the fact that he--with enthusiasm and without apology--introduced himself and his family to every person he encountered in the lobby or in the breakfast room. Initially, people would screw their faces into looks of confusion or aloofness. I think he struck people as being strange because he was so open and friendly, but after observing him in these speed getting-to-know-yous, I saw that he just wanted to share his story and his genuine life joy.)

The husband and wife got to know each other while working through excruciating pain in hopes of overcoming disability. They fell in love and were married six years after they met. Now they have an 8 year old son who is conversational and charismatic like his dad and inserted into the conversation that he was "in the gifted program at school."

While the man retold their story to me with his eight year old son fidgeting with impatience to start the day's vacation adventure, I sat fixated by the bittersweet series of events that brought these two people together to become the parents for this boy. What an incredible family. I said as much and the man told me he feels "unbelievably blessed in his life. I thank God every day for the blessings in my life."

What a remarkable story.

The lives of these two people orbited one another in a fragile dance of faith and love. And when I hear a story like that it reminds me to look back at the beautiful, unrehearsed, and sometimes awkward dance that my husband and I do, that my son and I do, that my family and I do, that my friends and I do, that a complete stranger and I do. Before we were dancing together, we were scanning the room.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! St. Charles and St. Louis Area Readers!

2009-05-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

Monkey Tales Theatre (www.monkeytales.org) presents...

What: Open to the public performance

When: Sunday, June 7th 2:00pm

Where: The Corral Performing Arts Centre 5055 Hwy N, Cottleville, MOwww.inthecorral.com

Contact person: Tracy Bono, Co-Artistic Director 314-614-9180

Monkey Tales Theatre, a professional non-profit theatre group entertaining children and their families in St. Charles County, will be performing "Prince Handsomely" at The Corral Performing Arts Centre on Sunday, June 7th at 2:00pm.

"His vain highness, Prince Handsomely, has met his match in Princess Marigold, a damsel who is definitely not in distress and does not need saving. The tables are turned when Princess Marigold saves the prince from himself!"

Tickets are $7.00 each and seating is limited - so get there early!

Please visit: www.monkeytales.org

Anne Morrow Lindbergh says...

2009-05-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

"Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after."

Last night I combined both--had some smooth Malaysian white coffee and an awesome conversation with my friend, Jodi. Restlessness due to communication and coffee is so much better than sleeplessness due to stress.

Ouchy, Owwie

2009-05-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

I have not been blogging as much because I am experiencing some neck, back, and shoulder pain. Using the computer, reading, and writing have become almost impossible, so I'm taking it easy and things seem to be getting better. Stay tuned...

No More George!

2009-05-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's time for a baby intervention.

Xavier is completely obsessed with Curious George. And from the time he wakes up in the morning he asks-declares, "Jor?! Jor?!" Then he'll say "sht! sht!" which means "sit"--not what you were thinking. Xavier already knows how to work the system and he knows if he sits on the couch nicely I'll turn on George. As a last ditch effort, he'll demand, "cook! cook!" in the hopes that he can enjoy his favorite cartoon while eating his favorite cookies with milk.

I have to say that we went wrong about a month ago when he was home sick for about a week and the only thing he wanted to do was sit and watch George and eat cookies. Since then, he has needed a fix way too much and I have to remind myself, sometimes on an hourly basis, to "just say no."

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

For Mother's Day, Xavier made the most beautiful card while he was at school. We decided to make one for Nana, too.

It was messy and fun.

And a beautiful and great creation came out of the process.

What a perfect metaphor for motherhood.

Sam Adams says...

2009-05-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people’s minds."

2009-04-30T09:04:00.001-07:00

When God created you He made you part of Him.
You are a child of God, a priceless part of his Kingdom.
Nothing else exists and only this is real.
For my child you are Love itself in all that Is.

Bollywood Baby

2009-04-24T10:36:00.001-07:00

Xavier has begun to the transition to the terrible twos. And in honor of this milestone he is perfecting the art of the temper tantrum.

The process begins when he circles the floor looking for the best spot to throw himself down onto the floor. He gives himself a couple of seconds to evaluate where the furniture is so he can really throw himself to the ground in full on baby anguish.

Then he'll do a fake ah-ah-ah that sounds like a mixture of a carhorn and Gregorian chanting.

In the midst of all of this noise and throwing himself to the ground, he will roll. One, two, three, even four or five times, across the floor. More rolling equals larger scale exasperation on his part.

Here's a taste of the crying. As of yet, I haven't been able to catch him on tape throwing himself down and rolling around. Notice how he turns the crying on and off at whim. Does anyone else think he's ready for Bollywood?

What am I going to do with this child of mine?

Fighting the Groupthink Robot-Monster

2009-04-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine had a fantastic (in more ways than one) dream that perfectly describes my understanding of how to fight groupthink.

In my dream, there was this giant robot-monster.

I saw the robot-monster fighting another big thing and the robot-monster just used its strength to crush the opposing creature that had been created to fight it.

I saw that in order to defeat an opponent such as this robot-monster, it is far preferable to be a germ or a flea or a louse. So then I saw and felt I was like a flea or a cell on the monster. It could not find me because of my size! I itched and irritated it, biting and reproducing at an alarming rate. But since I never grew large enough for it to pinpoint me, I was completely safe!

Joel Gosselin says...

2009-04-20T09:16:00.001-07:00

"I fall down every day." [I hear ya, brother.]

The Gosselins are such a great use of my TV time. I watch their show, Jon and Kate Plus 8, on TLC and thank God that I have one child to focus my energy on instead of eight. Though their family does a superb job of keeping it together.

True Freedom--Part III

2009-04-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

During Lent I've been reflecting on what I know helps me to reconnect with my inner Self. And I think my blog has shown that I am strengthening the bonds with my family and coming to a deeper understanding of my own spirituality and my own purpose in this world.

Though you have to find what works for you, here's a list of things that have helped me communicate with God and explore my own higher purpose.

Read.
Write.
Reduce TV and Internet usage. Focus on quality video and audio that teach Truth and lend to inner quiet.
Don't live by the clock or over-schedule. Break your day into larger chunks committed to certain activities. For example, I try to use morning for exercise and chores, afternoon for writing and reading, and evening for family and friends. Be vigilant about not over-scheduling yourself because "busy-ness" is just distracting you from what's really important.
Be aware of what you consume.
Walk. Sudhagar and I have been walking after he gets home from work and it has been a great way to reconnect as a family.
Talk to God. This year, I've been praying the rosary on my ride to work and doing breath meditation on my ride home. I will also focus on certain affirmations like "Help me find my life purpose" if I feel lost. Also I say two daily affirmations "Thank you" and "How can I serve?"
Support small business. It may cost more to buy from local businesses, but at least you are connecting with a real person and building relationships and, in turn, building your community. Your purchasing becomes meaningful instead of empty consumption.
Stop feeding the fame monster. I love the tabloids, but have decided to stop reading them (this is very hard). As a culture, we need to shift away from the (empty) success markers of fame and money.

Happy Easter!

True Freedom--Part II

2009-04-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

As an American I like to think I am free, however, I watch the news and browse the rack of tabloids at the grocery store and see that Americans (as a collective) enslave themselves with material things and their drive for fame.

In our culture--and probably in our world--we are taught how to communicate with others and how to think with our heads only. We are not taught how to communicate with our inner Self and to know our Self and to proceed through the world from the inside out. We are not taught to think with our higher Self, spirit, heart, consciousness, soul (there are many names). So we live our lives in conformity and ostracize those who would act or think as individuals.

Albert Einstein embodies individuality and true freedom. His creative tendencies and abilities to study and think (without the teachers' help) did not endear him to teachers who wanted subservient students. One professor even sabotaged Einstein for two years by giving Einstein negative job references. Why? Because Einstein chose to study on his own, instead of regularly attending class and it hurt the professor's ego. Despite negative life experiences, Einstein chased after his dreams of light and space and made an enduring positive change in the world. Until we can find our individual inner God connection we will be unable to unleash positive change to the world.

So I'm going to make a call to action. Do this for your Self. Realize what you truly need to be free and express the qualities of who you are. Do you need the approval of others? No. Strip off the influence of others. Do you need the approval of institutions? No. Strip off the expectations of institutions. To be close to God, you have to know who you are. So go inside and make your inner Self whole and the outside world cannot touch you.

Think about how you can implement these changes in your life and I will publish my thoughts on (Good) Friday.

Thomas Jefferson says...

2009-04-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

"And I sincerely believe, with you, that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies; and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a larger scale."

Falling Off the (Lenten) Wagon

2009-04-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am having an incredibly difficult time fulfilling my Lenten sacrifices this year. To be fair to myself, I did give up three things: coffee, sweets, and soda.

"Father, forgive me for I have sinned, my last confession was too long ago to remember..." I confess to drinking one citrus-y, ice-cold Sun Drop and that just the thought of it is making my mouth water for its crisp yummy-ness. Now, for the coffee--oh my, the coffee. I confess to completely jumping off the bandwagon and not even trying to run alongside it anymore. One reason is that I was drinking tea in its place and then was feeling lethargic and found out from one of my students that black tea zaps your iron and can make you anemic. Can anemia give me an out? Because I have to say that I'm really sort of at peace with my thought to get off the tea and go back to coffee.

Being the good Catholic girl that I am, I'll give myself of a penance of one Our Father and three Hail Marys and part this confessional with an encouraging story. Last year, at about this time in Lent, a priest said in his homily, "I know many of you have probably given in to the temptation and willingly--or unwillingly--eaten things you've given up or forgotten your promises to turn negative behaviors into positive ones. That's okay. It's human to fall. Get back up and try again."

With my coffee tankard raised in hand (I can only give up so much, so I'll stick with the sweets and soda), I'll make a toast, "Here's to getting up again."

Our family got kicked out of Sunday Mass this morning...

2009-03-29T11:11:00.001-07:00

Let me preview this blog entry by saying Xavier, our 18-month-old is the typical bustling, bouncing, busy-body baby boy. On top of that, he becomes very sociable when he's around people. People make him happy and he makes people happy.

During Mass he was showing his book to the couple next to us. He was not screaming or throwing a tantrum. He was talking in a normal voice, because he has not learned to whisper. He was content, though, so Sudhagar and I did not feel it was disruptive.

Wrong.

About five minutes into the homily the priest looked straight at me and said, "I'm sorry, but I get distracted easily." He stared right at me and would not continue until I whispered to Sudhagar, "Can you take the baby outside?" My cheeks blazed pink with embarrassment and it seemed to take an eternity for Sudhagar to take the baby out of the door. Finally the priest continued.

In my head, I'm thinking, "I should walk out. I should be with my family. He wasn't even throwing a tantrum. He was just being a toddler. What should I do?" I waited patiently, listening to the rest of the sermon.

Ironically enough, the sermon (which was very good, by the way) centered around the image of a license plate that the priest had seen which read IM4U. The priest stated that Jesus' message and the entire point of Christianity can be summed up in that statement, "I'm for you." God tells us he is for us. Jesus died for us. We are to be for each other. And I could not help but add, "...except for the babies whose behavior cannot be tolerated."

I looked around and there were no families with toddlers. Where are they?

It is hard for children to sit for a half hour episode of Curious George, much less an hour-long Mass where they must sit in silence. It is hard for the parents to "shh" them and entertain them, just to eventually walk outside and ultimately not get anything out of going to Mass. I guess an unspoken message in some churches is that crying or talkative babies do not have a place at church. So I guess growing families stay at home.

But I won't leave on such a sour note since priests present different messages based on their life experience. In fact, the Deacon who taught our Baptism class had a big family himself and could identify with the conundrum of attending Mass with young children, "Don't feel guilty for bringing your children to Mass. We don't mind if they cry. I know parents feel like it's embarrassing and don't want everyone to stare, but priests understand that they are children. We're just happy to have them here."

True Freedom--Part I

2009-03-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

What mental images and connotations stir in your brain when you read the following words?
Burka.
Tuxedo.
Sari.
Sweats.

If you think about it, clothes represent more than a means of coverage. We can infer a person's economics, religion, politics, culture just by looking at the clothes. In fact, people want us to construct their life story based on their outward appearance. That's why they wear certain styles of clothing and drive certain cars and live in certain houses. I'm not judging because I do it, too, but this observation got me thinking about Adam and Eve.

In the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge, they immediately realized they were naked and wanted to clothe themselves. So what if we choose to see this Biblical story as a metaphor? What if the clothes served to cover up our raw spiritual nature in addition to our physical nakedness?

This makes me believe that in order to return to paradise, we must strip off what we clothe ourselves in because those things distance us from God. To have true freedom means that we must throw off mantles like politics and religion. Christian, Jew, Muslim, or Hindu. Republican, Democrat, Liberal, or Conservative. No label can capture You.

Until people can strip down to the bare essentials of their Self and stand naked, not hiding behind the social constructs they have clothed themselves in, can they truly be free. Does your spirit understand this?

Sacred Starving

2009-03-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

Imagine an arid land at 12,000 feet (over two miles in the sky) where nothing grows. It's a tough landscape, scoured by dry wind.

Imagine slowly starving to death in the midst of a famine that is eating at your community.

Imagine sacrificing your life to help lift the scourge.

That is exactly what a Tibetan monk was doing when he died in the late 1400s. He performed a self-mummification process that began with limiting his diet to berries and bark, helping to eliminate the bacteria in his digestive system. The monk maintained his yogic position (something akin to a seated fetal position) by wrapping a prayer belt around his neck and legs. Undoubtedly, this led to strangulation if he faltered, but also helped him to meditate until his very end.

The monk died to save starving villagers at the top of the world. He went to sacrifice himself for the betterment of mankind. His body survives despite the destruction of other such mummies by the Chinese during the revolution. The relic persists so that we can see what ultimate sacrifice with the hope of eternal oneness with God looks like.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-23T17:59:00.001-07:00

Girl...I need to get out of these sweat pants and into some hot pants.

Good Advice for New Moms

2009-03-20T08:47:00.001-07:00

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

by Diane Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self esteem first, and the house later.
I'd fingerpaint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

Reaching for the Higher Self

2009-03-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

In Malaysia, a land of hulking amethyst and sapphire mountains, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Islam settle into the land like a blanketing of fog. You cannot walk down a street without seeing Chinese lanterns and bright cherry red shrines offering cakes to the Buddhist gods. You cannot visit an Indian home and not smell spicy incense under the scent of simmering curry. You cannot sit outside at sundown and not hear the call of the local cleric sing-chanting the evening prayers from a far-off minaret.

As I immerse myself in the Lenten season my spirit identifies with all of the religious practices that my senses take in when I'm visiting Malaysia. Even now, as I reflect, I do not feel so different from the Muslim who fasts during Ramadan or the Indian who eats vegetarian on Fridays.

And if I can identify with these seemingly exotic and foreign expressions of religion, how can I place labels on myself that contain only bits of the greater whole of who I am? Are any of us really the labels we place on ourselves? Black, white, republican, democrat, mother, father, brother, sister, christian, muslim, atheist, theist? Don't those all seem incomplete and ill-fitting?

It seems more clear to see us all as beings seeking a connection to something greater. Some use religion to reach this end, others study the humanities or the sciences. Some lose themselves in a piece of art or find magic in uncovering other cultures. But regardless of which path we take, we are all trying to develop our higher Self; we want to know the truth and understand our connections to divinity and humanity.

We all want to connect to the beautiful kaleidescope that makes us all...

One.

St. Augustine says...

2009-03-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

Seek not abroad, turn back into thyself, for in the inner man dwells the truth.

Plato says...

2009-03-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."

Finding Love in Columbia, MO

2009-03-10T17:25:00.001-07:00

Sudhagar and I have continued to rediscover our journey through couple-ness. It has been good. We've been together for seven years now and that length of time is astonishing to my inner independent woman. You see, before I met Sudhagar, I never dated anyone for more than two months, so marriage was a very daring leap for me.

Our first date set the stage for our life together so we decided to recreate that date as a means of reconnecting with the beginning excitement of our relationship. Our first date had so many elements of things that I enjoy: Asian food, giggling, and funk dancing.

Besides Chinese buffets ("Beijing, may I help you!"), I had not discovered the wonder of Asian cuisine until I met Sudhagar. For our first date, he took me out to Bangkok Gardens, a tiny restaurant that had lines out the door year-round, regardless of inclement weather. Since our first date in February of 2002 when we were shivering outside waiting for a table, Bangkok Gardens has moved into a larger building...and they still have lines out the door. This Thai restaurant began my love affair with an Asian man and Asian food.

This time, after a Singha Beer and way too spicy food (I love it hot even if it makes me cry *sniff sniff*), we headed to Deja Vu, a comedy/dance club. Sudhagar was a brave man to bring me to a comedy club as our first date because he has the world's funniest giggle. Those who have been able to catch it, listen like an ornithologist discovering a rare bird's call. The listener normally cannot stop from laughing themselves because the giggle is infectious. In fact, I'm laughing right now just thinking of it in my head. I've been known to tickle him just to evoke the giggle.

After the comedy show, we headed downstairs to the dance club. Little did I know that I would be reminded of my age and my relative un-coolness now that I am a co-ed no longer. Dun dun-dun dun (cue dramatic realization music).

I have a confession to make: I love Brittney Spears (her music, not her personal choices). I have to tell you this so that I can explain to you how out of touch I am with the clubbing scene. I requested some Brittney and when my song came on everyone (except for a couple of drunken women) proceeded to leave the dance floor. Luckily, I had also had a couple of drinks and danced with all the funkiness I could muster.

How could I lose my coolness in just seven short years?! No worries. You know why? Because my perfect husband and fellow social reject, Sudhagar, danced all night with me and we had a blast.

Mystery

2009-03-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

Why is mystery so appealing? Why does the hidden draw us in? Should we shine a light on the dark and hidden corners?

I would say let the dark and hidden corners remain so, but let me hold my flashlight tight in my hand when the unknown creeps in. After all, moments of mystery may be my chance to witness a little magic. And who doesn't want to feel a little magic? Remember that ethereal stuff you could summon up as a child with a few sentences worth of imaginings?

As an adult I have to use my thinking brain all of the time. Thank you, God, for an imaginative brain that allows me to experience enchantment during my ordinary life. But thank you, too, for the flashlight that can force away the darkness if I get scared.

Lenten Wanderings: Use It or Lose It

2009-03-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

Many of you know that I am Catholic. Mardi Gras has come and gone and now we're in the darkness known as the Lenten season. What does this mean? For one thing it means I will not be eating cake or ice cream for a LONG time since I'm abstaining from sweets as part of my Lenten sacrifice.

Lent also means that I get to reconnect with my faith by brushing off all the extra stuff and looking at my religion through the eyes of a minimalist (my truest form). So I will weave a more serious thread through the coming weeks on my blog as I look to find answers to some essential questions.

For today I want to reflect on the idea that God gives you gifts. I believe that if you do not use them to serve God and make the world a better place then those gifts will diminish or disappear altogether.

Some people are so clearly gifted it smacks you in the face. Immediately, child prodigy and the world's only binary genius, Akiane, comes to mind. Her realist paintings and poetry are amazing enough, but listen to her story. At age 4 she taught herself to draw then at age 6 to paint. Despite being brought up by atheistic parents she started having visions of Heaven which allowed her to communicate with God. The substance of those visions comes out in her work.

Isn't that so amazing?! She never had any exposure to thoughts about God because of her atheistic upbringing. Yet at the same time that her artistic talent evolves, she starts to see Heaven and communicate with God.

Akiane's work amazes me every time I look at it. She has such raw talent and yet a quote on her website shows her attitude of service, "I have been blessed by God. And if I'm blessed, there is one reason and one reason only, and that is to help others." Some of her most recent paintings are in touch with the struggles and thoughts spinning in my mind about God's connection with the soul in Heaven. Check out "Beginning" and "Love" on her site at http://www.akiane.com/home.htm.

If you don't use it you lose it. I have heard that message many times resonating in my life. That is one of the reasons I have embraced the writer within and pursued my gift. There are no coincidences. Listen to yourself. Listen to God. Pay attention to the messages that are coming through. Lent is such a good time to listen because it is so quiet.

I'm going to end with a prayer of thanksgiving...
Thank you for the gifts you have made manifest in my life. Help me to unwrap them with care and show the world what I have to share. Thank you God.

2009-03-03T08:02:00.000-08:00

Predeterminism

Of the magnitude of my many lifetimes that build upon occasions

To fulfill this stream of dreams that wanders through my life

And sustains the many footsteps I have made from the many shoes I have worn

To add upon all the experience that I have lived before

Coming from the fountainhead to paint many pictures of splendor

Where every person I have been reveals the parts I have played

With the dignity to arrive upon all lion’s nests

Where the courage to roar awakens a desire for destiny

As life’s greatest game is sought by tracking the prey

That has left all tracks as subtle impressions

Leaving these past journeys to manifest powerful lessons

That I have lived many times before by wearing different bodies

That all bare the lineage of my soul to shine its light on me

With divine grace revealing every face and place I have lived before

Allowing this grand reunion to touch every part of me

As I now masquerade with all the abilities I have acquired

By joining in this parade I honor where I have triumphed on every path

And as I have wandered I merge with the One Life Stream

Where all my experience blesses me with the gift of predeterminism

To form a lasting contract that brings me into body again

Where the plan has been rubbed into motion with a familiar massage lotion

That blends my many lives into a magical potion of grand illumination

Where every step I make holds these ancient reflections as cornerstones

That shows me clearly where I have walked before

In a continuous flow all time becomes married to the moment

Allowing me to claim my full power each and every hour
Now belongs to me with the fire of passion I ignite

The greatest role I ever played I now act upon

With a deliberate progression from lifetime to lifetime

We all share a common ground that maps out a glorious destiny

Where I am being linked with all my vital parts

That I can draw upon each day to paint a picture

Of whom I have become by wearing all these loving faces

To align all these pieces into a whole where I come to know my soul

My Sister's Korean Now

2009-02-25T10:23:00.001-08:00

Many of you know that my sister, Miranda, decided to teach English in Korea for one year. "Hi Miranda!" (Just wanted to give a shout out).

Miranda left a job in advertising because she was unsure if that work is fulfilling to her. She's 27 and unmarried with no children. If those were my life circumstances I would've hopped on the same plane to Korea (or stowed away in her luggage). I'm very proud that she's doing this. She's brave and adventurous. She's open to other cultures. I know she'll do great.

Luckily, Miranda is also smart enough to realize she's in for some culture shock. She knows Asia provides a startling different life approach than our cush life in the Western world. The toilet experience alone leaves you feeling unsure.

When I visit Malaysia and eat with my husband's family I always forget the very important mantra, "Right hand food hand, left hand poop hand." When there, we eat with our hands--specifically the right hand. A very good thing to remember when faced with restrooms that have no toilet paper. And sometimes there's no hole at all; you just sort of aim at a drain in the side of the room. Too much information? I think not.

If you do face these potty problems, Miranda, then you will have to potty train in a new way. You and Xavier can learn together ; )

Edmund Morrison says...

2009-02-18T11:15:00.001-08:00

"Like stones, words are laborious and unforgiving,
and the fitting of them together, like the fitting of
stones, demands great patience and strength
of purpose and particular skill."

Burning the Wick at Every End

2009-02-17T10:05:00.000-08:00

The mantra of the modern woman seems to go something like, "I want to do and be everything! I can do and be everything! I'm so tired."

As a result of this quagmire, I have gotten stuck in the mud, stalled, and lost--for several years--on the road that is my life path. I am a young mother and wife with a desire to be a writer and a teacher and a ???.

How do I know which path to go down? How do I choose the path that serves both myself and others? How do I fulfill my potential?

I submitted these questions to Janice Lynn Lundy, author of Your Truest Self: Embracing the Woman You Are Meant to Be. She was a guest blogger on Donna's Book Pub. Here's what she had to say:

Hi Camille-
My sense is that what might be beneficial is a period of discernment. This means a period whereby we stop doing much of anything so that we can get quiet, reassess, and listen to our inner wisdom. Truths # 1 and 2 in my book can help. In reality, we may be just too busy "doing," and doing what we think we "should" be doing, enough so, that our inner passions cannot find space to bubble to the surface. Do you give yourself permission to just "be"? To get quiet? Do you allow yourself periods of silence? Do you journal? Discernment is a period of deep listening and reflecting that can take weeks, months, even years. It is not something that can be rushed. My sense is that if you are feeling what you are feeling, it might be time to slow down and give yourself over to discernment. Stop working at life. Slow down. Enjoy. Be enough. These sound simple, but for most of us, they are actually very difficult. It we could really engage in this way, our passions (purpose) would be shown to us. We'll get back in touch with what makes our heart sing! I believe that.
Good luck! Jan

This will be very hard for me. I will keep you all posted on my period of discernment.

Where Did She Go?

2009-02-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

A poem by Louise Moffat

Where did she go?

That young woman in me

Given the gift of life

In October of ‘53

The years have brought wrinkles

And a loose saggy neck

More than a few gray hairs

Hey…what the heck

It must have happened

When I wasn’t looking

I must have been cleaning

Or maybe busy cooking

I could have been mothering

One baby and then another

Oh and don’t forget the husband

I was busy being his lover

But I still love a good laugh

And movies that make me cry

I love to be spontaneous

And not having to answer why

I still fight my curly hair

I try to watch my weight

I’m still addicted to carbos

I’m still notoriously late

I still love loud music

I still drive way too fast

I’m still afraid of everything

But at least I’m flying at last

I’m still busy mothering

I’m now grand mothering as well

I’m still my husband’s lover

Oh what the hell

I guess she hasn’t gone anywhere

That young woman in me

Her body’s a little battered but

Her heart and soul I can clearly see

Hermann, Missouri Offers the Gift of Winter Warmth

2009-02-02T13:32:00.000-08:00

Want to get that spark back in your marriage? Want to ward off the winter blahs? So did I. So instead of buying my husband "stuff" for Christmas, I booked a night at The Captain Wohlt's Inn in Hermann, Missouri. One night at the inn and one morning around Hermann gave us the gift of each other.

On Friday night, the beautiful drive to Hermann helped us wind down from our week. Hermann lies in the heart of Missouri wine country and for those interested in winter wine tours, check out Wine 101 in January and the Chocolate Wine Trail in February. Stone Hill Winery, Missouri's oldest and most awarded, offers scenic views, tours of its historic cellars, and a German restaurant.

Though we do enjoy Stone Hill's restaurant, we decided to try Trapper's Grill which serves premium, hand cut steaks. Cozy up to the fire, order drinks, and eat some prime rib. It was sublime.

After our restful night at the inn, we awoke to the aromas of thick-cut french toast and apple cinnamon sausage. At breakfast our innkeeper, Mat Wilkins, suggested several activities and we narrowed it down to windowshopping, drinking beer, and eating more sausage.

On First Street we did much more than windowshop and you should too. Support local business and bring home a cheery memento of your time in Hermann. I ended up buying a splendid bud vase from Artur Hohl at Kunstlerhaus. Whatever your guess for what this German word means, Kunstlerhaus actually means "House of Artists." It houses work from over 30 local artists including sculptors, painters, and jewelry makers.

Before heading out of town, we went to the Tin Mill Brewing Company where you can sample a variety of beers and tour the microbrewery. Normally we visit the local wineries, so this provided a pleasant change for our taste buds and readied us for the holy grail of sausage.

Remember the apple cinnamon breakfast sausage? If you head 15 minutes south of Hermann you will arrive at The Swiss Meat & Sausage Company. This company perfected the art of sausage making and have even attracted the attention of The Food Network and Paula Deen's sons. We stopped, we tasted, we bought lots of sausage. Afterwards, we enjoyed a quiet, scenic drive home on highways 19 and 50, stomachs full and hearts happy. And I realized that Hermann actually held more charm for me on that sleepy sunshiny winter day than it does during the crazy haziness of Octoberfest.

Our time in Hermann was like a hidden Christmas present stuffed far under the tree. After taking down the holiday decorations, it offers one more surprise. For us as a married couple with an infant, Hermann provided some special moments that reignited our relationship. Thank you.

Samuel Johnson says...

2009-01-28T08:04:00.001-08:00

"What is written without effort is in general
read without pleasure."

2009-01-27T18:55:00.001-08:00

Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
What a miracle this book is. And a perfect read for a snowy day. I'm not diagnosing myself with seasonal affective disorder just yet, but this reflection written by Lindbergh during a short beach vacation had me feeling refreshed like I was sunbathing right along with her. A must read and a quick read for any American woman trying to sort her Self and her relationships out. By the way, did not realize it was written by the wife of Charles Lindbergh until I read her bio at the very end. Did you know they had five children?

View all my reviews.

2009-01-26T12:11:00.001-08:00

I feel honored that the author of Donna's Book Pub, Donna (of course), presented me with a Premio Dardos award, which means "prize darts" in Italian. The award is given in recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing.

By accepting the award, I must follow two rules:

1) Accept the award by posting it on my blog along with the name of the person that has granted the award and a link to his/her blog.

2) Pass the award along to blogs you find worthy of this acknowledgment. Remember to contact each of them to let them know they have been selected for this award.

The blogs I am nominating to receive the Premio Dardos Award are:

Sugar, Spice, & More Things Nice--Rachel shares delicious and healthy recipes, while sprinkling in stories about her ultimate reason for pursuing nutritious yet yummy foods: her struggle with Type I diabetes.

Donna's Book Pub--Seeks and succeeds in being as homey and inviting as the local pub. If you're a writer and want to chat about writing or share a story, come on in.

2009-01-26T10:20:00.000-08:00

The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars

The first part is narrated with strong sympathy for Ruth, first generation American and daughter of LuLing. Ruth cannot understand so much about her Chinese mother which results in her being lost about herself; their constant fighting causes a divide.

Part Two is narrated by LuLing and is her account of her past in China. LuLing's mother, a famous bonesetter's daughter, plays an important role in the story as we unlock the haunting and tragic past of the entire family.

I can appreciate Tan's skill in writing with two compelling and different voices. The real issues of mother-daughter relationships, biracial misunderstandings, and loss of memory are painted beautifully.

"Think about your intentions. What is in your heart, what you want to put in others." --from The Bonesetter's Daughter

View all my reviews.